WE GAVE OUR KIDS SCOTCH TODAY COS WE HAD NO WATER, THE WHOLE FAMILY ARE ALCOHOLICS SO IT WAS EASY TO FIND A BOTTLE.

MY FIVE YEAR OLD SMOKES CUBAN CIGARS THAT HE STOLE FROM MY PRIVATE COLLECTION, HE BURNT HIS PYJAMAS ACCIDENTALLY COS THE DOG ALWAYS BITES HIM WHEN HE SMOKES CIGARS.

I MADE A SANDWICH THAT HAD GLASS SPLINTERS IN THE BREAD SLICES, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WERE ANY GLASS SPLINTERS IN THE BREAD SLICES, BUT I GAVE THE SANDWICH TO THE DOG ANYWAY, THE DOG DOESN'T BITE PEOPLE ANYMORE AND THE DOG HAS DIED NOW.

EGG'S COME FROM A CHICKENS DIRTY PLACE AND THUS DO NOT BELONG IN A SALAD...